Pushing on and letting go

 The last couple of weeks have been the hardest that I've experienced in a long time. I won't go into details because it is a very personal matter but I figured it might be a good opportunity to capture my feelings while they're still fresh in the hopes of helping someone else who might be going through something similar. 

Usually, I have a naturally positive outlook on life. It's easy for me to see the bright side of things so it's rare for me to be totally and completely saddened by an event. So rare that I had forgotten how physically exhausting it is to be in emotional pain. To cry gives me a serious headache and leaves my eyes so tired that I can barely keep them open. Unfortunately, this is do to my disease, Mitochondrial Myopathy. 

It is said that there are five stages of grief. 
  1. Shock/denial
  2. Anger
  3. Depression/detachment
  4. Searching for meaning and support
  5. Acceptance
My mom uses these stages of grief when we encounter a bump in the road when facing unexpected Mitochondrial conditions. She reminds me that the sooner a person reaches acceptance, the easier life will be. I have come to realize though, that grief can not be put into a numerical list. Each of these emotions will be felt on and off. But remember, that it's okay to not be okay. 

 It's okay to grieve. It's okay to mourn the loss of a chapter in your life you never thought you'd have to part with, as long as you know that someday you will be able to carry on. As long as you know that this too shall pass. But for now the best thing you can do for yourself is to let everything out so that completely moving on is a possibility. This is a process that shouldn't be rushed. Give yourself time to heal, no matter how long it takes. 

Days like these make me especially thankful for the love and support of my family and friends. The people in my life who are my constant, whom I can always count on to be there for me. For me, the beach has always been my place of happiness so my parents took me for a drive down to Newport Beach, California to go to a renowned surf spot. It was perfect weather and so beautiful. Whenever I'm feeling depressed the only thing I want to do is grow a pair of wings and fly away. To just be anywhere except where I am and that's how being at the beach made me feel. It made me feel like I was somewhere where my problems don't exist. 

Music is also something that has gotten me through the harder times in life. To find a song that perfectly fits everything that you're feeling is an emotion in and of itself. I think music helps us to not feel so alone in this world while also helping us to escape the world around us. 

I know that someday everything that I'm going through will make sense. Just like an arrow, sometimes you have to be pulled back to be shot forward into something greater. For now, I have to hold on to my family and friends, let go of how a I think life should be, push on and know that I'm not alone.